‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾engage hank mode☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
~~ blogpost 15/09/2023: we're so back + what's in a name ~~
okay maybe things arent that bad. i had to sit down and have a long talk with a few people i was scared of talking to about things (like my parents...) and the outcome is that things are gonna be tough for a bit! but okay, probably. probably!
hey, no point in being all fucked up about it when there isn't much i can do but be careful with money. whatever! i'm doing the daring thing of doing two blogposts in a row because i have things on my mind!
it's nice to just unpack shit on my web site. so! what is on my mind. well, liiike...
i am nonbinary. this isn't like a coming out thing but just more like a stating of FACT, because that's just how it's been for a while. or, well, nonbinary is the easiest word to put it as. not a big fan of labels and all that. i like not really having rules around all that.
every now and then though i find myself thinking about, like, my presentation and all that. as of right now it just stands as "apathetic". i don't really have any cool clothes i look good in or anything like that (i'm not skinny, or anything like that...) so i mostly just resort to wearing shit that fits and is at least a little bit comfortable. i get a little doinked out in the brain about it sometimes, though... there's a lot of things i wish i had or that i wish i could be and it feels kind of impossible most of the time.
it isn't just in the way that i dress, though! or look or style my hair, or whatever. there's a lot of freaked up shit with my core identity that ive kept in the brain-bank and never really talk about much. but... i have a blog! so i can write about it. yay!
hank is not my birth name. which most people who know me in-the-real-life probably already know. it's a name i picked out myself and i've stuck with. so, if i'm nonbinary, why did i choose something so... i dunno, masculine?
easiest answer is that it feels right. ive fucked around with names and shit before and this is just the one that feels most like... me. probably the same way that a lot of other queer people feel about their names that they've chosen! it just feels a little weird to me sometimes though. because even if that's the right name for me, i still feel like i'm a little bit on the outside for it... you wouldn't expect a guy named hank to be like, all of this. all of what? i dunno. all of it, really.
i'm a lot of things, and it's hard to use labels or descriptions to pin it down, so i chose an epithet. and it's hank!
the gif on this post is penguins because i like them and i looked up gifs for nonbinary and that showed up for some reason, btw. ha ha
unrelated to that as well, i have been meaning to rejig my about page! it feels a little brief and i want to be able to put down more about myself. i also still need to fill out the shelf... pretty essential stuff to put on there would be just stuff i read and i'd like to write about. like concrete by paul chadwick, or grant morrison's doom patrol run. because i am a little bit of a dumb comics nerd.
for other stuff in my life... i went for a walk today to the pharmacy and cleaned my room last night. feels pretty good, but there's a lot of laundry i have to do. i have so many pills now though and hopefully they work better this time.
todays tune: Televendite di quadri by Post Nebbia! this song is italian. i listened through the whole album and it's really good psych stuff, although it's also all in italian and i don't know italian. the name translates to "telesales of paintings", though.
~~ blogpost 14/09/2023: it's never been more over than it is now ~~
as of writing this blogpost i am approximately $9,200 dollars in debt, give or take
that's really just kind of it. kind of a fucked up email to get in the morning. i don't really know what to do or like, how writing a blog post would help, but at the very least i thought it would make me feel better. yet to see the results on that front
either way one thing is for certain which is that my life is going to be exponentially worse for the forseeable future. yay! ha ha.
i suppose the moral of the story is to never stay in dorms if youre really bad at managing money. a lot of all this is my fault! which is weird to come to grips with. my head's spinning and i don't really know what to do.
todays tune: Infinity Repeating (2013 Demo) by Daft Punk & Julian Casablancas + the Voidz! that's a mouthful. i've cried to this song before, i think.
~~ changelog 16/08/2023 number 2: maybe i'm more motivated than i thought ~~
okay yeah i didn't think i'd do anything else today, but then i got an idea to start a page to use as a sort of virtual bookshelf... and now it's kinda set up. the page isn't done yet, but it has a button. cool!
going to use that page to store... books i like, books i own, books i want to own, pretty much all comics though. gonna write little reviews for each, if i can! it's just an idea, though. we'll see how it goes.
go ahead and click that 'shelf' button in the nav... go ahead now...
~~ blogpost 16/08/2023: i shed names like snakeskin ~~
boy, aint those other blogposts grim! blegh. get them out of here. out of my sight, man!
i'm still living life. site's on the backburner inbetween trying to focus on studies, art, making money, planning to move out... in the clutches of the life machine, right now!
i got put on new meds last week and i started them today. feels like my bones hurt! takes a little pain to get better, though. last time i didnt stick with what i was given long enough to see any effect beyond feeling like a walking corpse, but i have the willpower to keep going this time. i think!
i got reminded of my site like, twice back-to-back by some of my friends. still so much work to be done... i want to get the gallery page set up, but finding a way to scan my art nicely comes first. beyond that... uuugh, i want to set up stamps and shit on the side under mouthguy (hey, fella) but remeasuring the margins and shit is such a fucking hassle! i want it to fit nicely. for some reason a lot of the things in the site that i coded just don't work, which pisses me OFF!
doing alright right now, though. i like writing blogposts on the site. it's my special little space to dump my thoughts. i'm not the journalling type because i can't do handwriting, and digital journalling/diary shit is so lame. except for blog posts. i think that makes sense?
getting a webring set up would be cool, though. still think about that every now and then! always something i wanted to do when i was way back into cool ass looking websites ages ago. i remember this one time i found a website for a band or something, but it had a page that was hidden built with php. and if you fucked with the id in the $_GET array in the url, it would just... randomly generate pages? it was strange. made a lot of gibberish mixed with advertisements for like, vacuums or something. felt like it yoinked stuff from all over, but i can't track it down no matter how hard i try.
the name of this blog post kind of means something and kind of doesn't. hank isn't like, my given name or whatever, and i've cycled through a lot in my lifetime... i couldn't remember half of them if i tried. but my name i picked for myself is now the one i use in real life, and i couldn't budge on it if i wanted. everything about my identity could be uncertain but i am still just hank. that's me!
that's all for now. just a little brain dump while i'm fatigued out of my ass after sitting in bed all day. i need to clean up...
~~ blogpost 27/06/2023: hi, for no reason ~~
there isn't a real point to me updating the site right now. it's late at night, and i wasn't feeling too good, so i wanted to write somewhere. i don't like talking to people about the things i feel much, so this feels like a good enough barrier between people who care and don't.
i wasn't feeling very good at all thirty minutes ago. instead of doing something bad, i got up and wrote some prose instead. i don't like writing poetry, but you can look at it if you'd like to. i really don't like exposing ugly parts of myself to people like that unwarranted, though.
i do wonder who i write these blog posts to, sometimes. i doubt that there are people who actively look out for when i update my neocities page... i think i just want to be heard by someone who cares enough to dig to find this.
i'm hopping on a plane to go home for a week in a couple of days. i miss my friends from back home, but i get lightheaded thinking of being back home and i don't know why. it doesn't feel like anything has really changed... i hope things will be better.
i want to talk to people more, though. i just don't know if people want to talk to me.
~~ blogpost 14/06/2023: the fuck is up with university, man? ~~
hi ho. i'm writing a regular blog post with no updates to the site this time, simply because... i want to! i don't have the energy to code the buttons or anything like that in (god forbid i size them correctly) but stuff's been going on in my life, and keeping a little journal *somewhere* at least provides some solace.
i'm failing a course in university today. more aptly, i'm failing my whole degree a trimester after i started it. obviously... not ideal! the last few weeks have just been spent sick either from new meds, stress or otherwise, and i haven't found much time to do anything fulfilling at all. i haven't drawn in a while, though i'm trying to fix that...
art is really confusing, man. not like the whole subjective art thing, but... drawing. everything's fallen into sameishness, and i'm a bit too scared to try new things! i haven't been satisfied with any of my comicmaking stuff in a while now. i keep on just looking at my inspirations and feeling a sort of dread; and i look at my friends and feel like i'm doing something wrong! i know that's the wrong way to feel, but it's a little unavoidable.
maybe i'd just like to make something that feels special. special to me! i am kind of just desperate to find and hold onto something that feels like it means something anywhere. maybe i'll find it soon
that's all for now. if, by some random stroke of luck, you've read my discontented internet blog rant, then thank you for indulging me.
todays tune: Isabelle by Gabriel Sayer! this one i've listened to a while ago. gabriel gundacker is like, a funny joke's guy, but the stuff he makes under the gabriel sayer pseudonym (however infrequent) all sort of resonate with me.
~~ changelog 31/05/2023: birthday, about page finished ~~
I FINISHED THAT ABOUT PAGE!!! it's about time (lol) i did that anyways. a massive thanks to izzy (linked two blogposts ago!) who coded the UBER COOL page mechanism for it... i got to actually write about mouthguy there! kind of a mascot i guess, but i don't draw them much.
as for a personal update, life's been interesting... my birthday was 10 days ago so i'm 18 now! since then ive just been filling in time drinking and smoking and worrying too hard about university... man, i'm not good at it!!! as i write this it hit midnight, so i guess my birthday was 11 days ago now.
it's weird. i'm sort of waiting for stuff to feel 'right', i guess, but that hasn't hit yet. i haven't settled into any real main friend group or anything... it gets lonely up here sometimes. distractions (like Substances...) make it easier sometimes but those substances aint got no substance, if you catch my drift, daddy-o (bongo riff (beatnik reference))
i've been wanting to treat this section more like a blog, i realise, so i'm probably gonna try to write here more often instead of just during site updates. also, if you're reading this, hi! thank you for stopping by my little headspace for even just a little moment. it means a lot, even if i don't know it.
ALSO THE MUSIC BUTTON LINKS TO MY LASTFM NOW. YOU SHOULD LOOK!
todays tune: Border Line by King Krule! i've been listening to this on loop for a week and something about it just dips deep in my heart... i've listened to king krule before, but this really just sunk into my brain and stayed. mellow and sweet. i dig it
~~ changelog 05/04/2023: about page beginnings ~~
i started making that damn about page today. it's not done yet, i still need to add a few more things (images, perhaps!!) but it's there. there's more than one page on the site now! holy SHIIIIT!!!
thinking about other pages i want to put in... im not sure if the music page is gonna be a thing, so i might replace that. i want to make a page for my favorite things, and also a place to keep my writing. you guys don't actually know it but i've stored little bits of writing on this site, but they aren't linked anywhere. here's one of them if you want to look at it.
i'm thinking of starting streaming again, though i'll probably keep that on my bigger alt twitter account and shit that i don't really use anymore. having a big following actively on social media fucks with me a lot so i'm keeping on the new twitter, lol
~~ changelog 31/03/2023: lil change ~~
this will be a short update because it's very early and i need to go to bed but i put in the pagedoll that my friend izzy made for me... you should check our her site HERE NOW. one day i think we're gonna make a webring once i remember to finish my site. also i totally ripped most of my ideas for layout from her OOPS!!
MY SIGHTS ARE ON THAT ABOUT PAGE! now that mouthguy is on the side there this index page is looking a bit more whole, but i needd to put some stickers under him. he is an incredible mascot.
by the way: i am in university (college) now! that means i'm both busy and super grown up. almost. you guys should see how much work i'm not doing!
that's all for now!
~~ changelog 2/01/2023: first log ~~
happy new year! and happy re-invention of this site. TECHNICALLY. okay, i made it yesterday on new year's day, but i only finished this part and started writing the day after. oops! (also, sorry for stealing the idea of marking updates with gifs, izzy. lol)
boy, i'm happy to get back into making a site like this. it's been a long time since i've made one! also, do you like my cool text effects? i want to make text shake like the banner and buttons do, but i don't know how...
oops, i meant to write what i updated! well, i've started the index page, if you couldn't tell. it's halfway done, i think! i hope you like it. look up at the construction banner and leave a note in my guestbook! (or wherever the button is now...
i guess i'll close this update note with my new year's resolution: i want to be nicer and softer around other people, and more true to myself ♥